Joke Thread

ChrisIB

Honorable
KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by

Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as

long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a

year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no

answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex

even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an

impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the

monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the

priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone,

but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would

have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the

kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to

the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to

agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the

Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one

tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never

encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible

burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and

the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question

thus:


What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own

life.


Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great

truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.


And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and

Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.


The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a

horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The

astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.


The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she

appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only

half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.


Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?


Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to

show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an

old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day,

but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate

moments?


What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


OKAY?


Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time

because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own

life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

*If you don't let a woman have her own way.... *

*Things are going to get ugly. *
 

Dundee

Fading day by day.
Hello Troops,
Here is a bit of Aussie Humor.
Carl Baron, Hope you like it.
I reckon he is a funny bastard. :)
 

wwkirk

Divine
An oldie but goodie!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
 

coubob

Celestial
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!
 

wwkirk

Divine
It's been over a year...

A Chinese guy and a Jewish bloke were sitting next to each other in a bar, with each of the chaps getting a good deal shitfaced. Suddenly, the Jewish dude turns to the Chinese guy and punches him right in the face!

The Chinese guy staggers off his chair, outraged: “what in the hell was that for!?” “That” the Jewish bloke says after taking a sip of his beer, “was for Pearl Harbor”. The Chinese guy is flabbergasted. “Pearl Harbor?? THAT WAS THE JAPANESE!!” Jewish guy takes another sip of his beer and responds “Japanese, Chinese, Korean, all the same to me.” Stunned by the response, the Chinese bloke sits down again, nursing his wounds.

A while later, the Chinese guy turns towards the Jewish guy and punches him in the face! The guy staggers off the chair and loudly goes “WTF man???!!!”. Chinese guy this time, takes a sip of his beer. “That… was for sinking the Titanic!”

The Jewish guy is absolutely speechless. “Wha.. The Titanic? THE TITANIC WAS SUNK BY AN ICEBERG!!”

Chinese guy takes another sip of beer. “Iceberg, Sandberg, Goldberg…all the same to me"
 

wwkirk

Divine
Riddles are like jokes...sorta. (The answer is provided just below the respective riddle.)
Mind-Boggling Riddles From Movies

Sample:
261187810_4564999260259585_7336700645130396931_n.jpg
 

nivek

As Above So Below
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?

“I want you inside me.”

.
 

nivek

As Above So Below
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

“He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.”

.
 

nivek

As Above So Below
Rivers are very wealthy, that's why they have two banks.

.
 

nivek

As Above So Below
lol Did a little kid tell you that one?

Actually saw it written in some comments on the Dailymail news site lol...

...
 

michael59

Celestial
I know it's stupid and I know I already posted this in the funny pics thread, but I can't even think about this joke without giggling...

Alanm_279_Monkey.jpg

Beats me why it's so amusing to me. lol
 

nivek

As Above So Below
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

.
 

nivek

As Above So Below
I’m not a big fan of stairs. They are always up to something.

.
 

michael59

Celestial
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Easyjet," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Easyjet?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Easyjet's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who the fuck did your hair?"
 
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