Has anyone at the deepest level changed who they are?

Discussion in 'Social Hub' started by Dundee, Nov 11, 2017.

  1. Dundee

    Dundee Fading day by day.

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    Hello All,
    I am wondering, has anyone been able to at the most fundamental way change their way of thinking about things. I don't mean just giving up the smokes, or drinking a few less beers.
    I mean changing the basic essence of who they are.
    You see people who say they are born again Christians, and they change for the better. That's great, and the sort of thing I am talking about. But I am never going to find God. So please don't offer me that option. But i have a certain way of thinking that I cannot seem to shake. I am not an axe wielding maniac, quite the opposite, which is half the problem. I am open to extreme ideas, loll, twice as a kid I tried to sell my soul to the Devil to be a guitar god. It was a no show :) I am serious, I really did. I was only young though :)

    But I guess what I am saying I am open to anything that has worked for others. Even if it seems a tad out there.
    This is going to sound corny, but I have grown up aspiring to the values of chivalry and knighthood.
    If you knew my Dad you would know why. He was awesome.
    But I found a link somewhere completely by accident that was titled something like...
    Why the Nice guy never gets the girl...:)
    And it described me. It was awful, it seemed to tell me that all the things I thought were the right things to do, and the best way to behave, were there very things that drove away a potential partner. What bloody chance does that give me? I guess i am not chasing the girl as such, although I would not say no. But it seem to reflect on life itself, and my world. It seems the nicer I am to people, the more I get shit on.
    So back to the main question.
    Has anyone found away to change the basic essence of their behavior,
    Be it by selling ones soul to the Devil, or becoming a Buddhist monk :)

    Also keeping in mind I have Asbergers and am an extreme em path, Shitty combination on any day.
    You get overwhelmed with every emotion within 1000 miles and have no idea what any of them mean or worse still if they are directed at me.

    Your thoughts are welcome :)
     
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  2. Ras

    Ras Honorable

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    408
    I was a tomboy when i was a kid, became a girl when im 13 because guys like to look at lady looking girls. :D
     
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  3. nivek

    nivek As Above So Below

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    21,425
    Yes, and not just the way I think about things either...

    That's debatable lol...But what kind of change, inner or outer?...

    If you're truly open to try something, I may have just the thing...

    Identifying with and associating attributes or behaviors with yourself often puts your own to sleep, so to speak, because of the mind, it's difficult to see the outer in good light when the inner is in the closet, the inner is the light needed to see...

    Change from within and without, the first was about 20 years ago, then after much work the second about 10 years ago, the results of which are distinctive and without doubt...There is yet another coming in my future, it is inevitable because of what has started, there's no going back...

    Any lasting change must start within, attempting to make change to the outer whilst leaving the inner alone is just spinning circles, might as well watch tv...Life is constantly changing, life is change, everything changes, the one thing that is permanent is change...
     
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  4. starsfall

    starsfall Believer

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    381
    When I was younger I was pretty unruly, I enjoyed being outside a lot. My parents rules were I couldn't leave the block, and when it got dark, I had to be home, but I stopped even caring when they would scream and punish me because I hated being home. I would hangout outside with a few neighborhood kids and play flashlight tag, climb trees, all that good stuff. One day I befriended an elderly woman whose husband had passed away, and she lived alone with her dogs. My mom eventually found out where I had been going and came to her house and they actually got along somewhat so my mom accepted it and let me go there after school and I helped the woman with all her chores, walked her dogs, etc. and she fed me and was really good to me.

    After about a year or so of this, my mom had been diagnosed with leukemia and my dad reverted back to being an alcoholic whenever he was home. So she was sent somewhere for chemotherapy and treatment for awhile, and my dad spent a lot of his time at work or whatever, and whenever he did come home he got so washed out he'd forget I was even there. My uncle did check on me pretty frequently since I was there alone most of the time, but over time I sort of stopped meeting up with my friends, and helping the woman with her chores, and just had to grow up a lot more instantaneously and take care of things neither of my parents could anymore.

    I'm not sure if this is anything like what you were wondering about, but it's probably one of the biggest things in my life that's changed my mentality and the way I am to date.
     
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  5. Dundee

    Dundee Fading day by day.

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    Well it is hard to say yes to something you can't see coming but without knowing if what you have in mind will work for me. Yes I am open to trying something. I am not traveling all that well as it is so the only way is up I guess.
     
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  6. Ras

    Ras Honorable

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    408
    I got sick of my grandmother for this. Theres a 40 year old guy, he is a teacher who like to come to my grandmother's house to tell some sad stories to her, she'll listen and will tell him to clean her house afterwards. Making a guest to clean your house is not nice imo.

    Sorry to hear that. How is your mom doing now?
     
  7. cosmic joke

    cosmic joke remember to remember

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    271
    i was born the way i am. took decades to realize this though. hmmm, think i'll go watch some tv. :biggrinn8:
     
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  8. Ras

    Ras Honorable

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    408
    Just curious, i find your profile picture kind of weird. Why did u choose that picture?
     
  9. nivek

    nivek As Above So Below

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    21,425
    Indeed, real change, a realization of who and what one really is and it can take time, what else is there really to do but to watch tv...:Whistle:
     
  10. cosmic joke

    cosmic joke remember to remember

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    271
    hello diva. it's a character on an album by king crimson. i will change it.
     
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  11. Ras

    Ras Honorable

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    408
    This picture looks better :Thumbsup:, the previous one was quite dull.
     
  12. starsfall

    starsfall Believer

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    381
    I appreciate it, thank you. Shes been in remission for a few years but shes not really able to walk on her own or do much
     
  13. Ras

    Ras Honorable

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    408
    I've heard theres a cure for leukemia, not sure which one. Its either chemotherapy or stem cell transplant i think. Idk about chemotherapy but i feel like stem cell transplant is better. Have she tried any of those yet?

    Here is a story from a survivor, he used stem cell transplant..
    Acute myeloid leukemia: From diagnosis to stem cell transplant to survivor | MD Anderson Cancer Center
     
  14. CasualBystander

    CasualBystander Celestial

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    2,213
    Well...

    I've had some of my rough edges milled off. Took a while.

    After a while you learn that you don't learn anything with your mouth open.

    I tend to be pretty quiet as a result. I'm a great listener though.
     
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  15. August

    August Metanoia

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    6,052
    Listeners learn far more than talkers.
     
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  16. Dundee

    Dundee Fading day by day.

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    978
    Thanks everyone, I guess its one of those things that has many solutions. You just have to find one that suits.
    I am looking for a real and profound change. More than just a conscious effort to change a habit or two.
    I know I come across as an opinionated bugger on here sometimes. I guess some topics I am passionate about. But in person i am a big pussy. And this works against me in so many ways. I guess the hardest part is,although at the level of perhaps a debate, I understand folks have different views. I get that. Its all good. But on a personal level I am different..Its hard to explain. I always put others first, no matter what. For example, if someone I work with that i barely know, just a g day in the lunch room and a nod in the corridor, rang me at 3:00 am in trouble. Some folks would think, what the hell, I don't even know this person. Me, my first thought would be, OK what do I need, first aid kit, tow rope, ambulance. It would never occur to me to be any other way.
    Where I fall over, is I get really hurt at a personal level at the slightest insult or rejection, or, I dunno, coldness?
    It is way more complex than that, but the bottom line is I am my own worst enemy. So I need to change more than just change a habit or two, I need to be able to change my understanding of the world and people. I dunno if any of this makes sense.
     
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  17. CasualBystander

    CasualBystander Celestial

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    Well...

    I've been in management type roles where you just have to be a bit of an asshole. What that means is you look at your interests and figure out which have to met.

    I have a neighbor who pesters me for things. He has problems due to an accident so I always let him get away with it.

    If someone else did the same thing I would tell them to buzz off after a while.

    That is the difference between being a nice guy and doormat. You have to strike a balance.

    I tend to fail on being the side of too helpful, but it is a choice that I think about. I have stopped and helped people fix their car in the rain, complete strangers. I don't regret it because it was a deliberate choice. If you feel you are doing to much of this put a limit on it. The one good deed per day may be high for you and something closer to once a week is better. Pick a number and stick with it.

    As far as coldness, people have their own agenda and frequently you aren't on it. I assume they are focused on something else and move on. If they need something from me later, and I am interested in them enough to curious, I ask them what the deal was. If you assume everything is about you, coldness is a problem. I assume I am a cog in the machine and some things don't involve me.

    Just a reminder though, you are under no obligation to help someone that has treated you like dirt.

    I don't have problems with arguments. I'm very "sticks and stones", I don't insult other people (deliberately) and if they engage in personal attacks I walk away since they weren't interested in a conversation. I don't assume I'm right. I have researched a lot of issues and just defend the facts. That generally is hard to argue with.

    I'm unfailingly polite and courteous. That stops a lot of problems before they even start, and starts conversations with a positive dynamic.
     
  18. Dundee

    Dundee Fading day by day.

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    Thanks CB, but the sort of change I am talking about is less habitual.
    To pick an obvious example, and I am not trying to stir the pot. Imagine something I said recently in our gun debate hit a chord. The sort of change I mean would be you for example completely reversing your views on guns and politics. Not due to a good argument I put forward. But you just got up one morning and said. I want to change the core of my belief on something.
     
  19. CasualBystander

    CasualBystander Celestial

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    2,213
    Let's say I wanted to become a progressive. We'll leave aside the fact that it would destroy all the underpinning of my personality for a moment.

    For the sake of argument let's say I found a girl I could not live without and my viewpoint was a problem.

    To do radical change you need immersion therapy.

    I'd ditch my sensible friends, avoid sensible news sites, not go to sensible gatherings. I'd only make progressive friends, only read progressive sites, only go to progressive gatherings, get a government job, etc. Once you totally cut yourself off from reality it isn't that hard to be a progressive.

    It is like giving up smoking. You bite the bullet and the first couple of days are tough, but if you remove all the underpinnings of the old belief and only support the new belief, it will get easier and eventually seem normal.

    Advocating for the new belief is especially helpful.

    All it takes to make a radical change is determination and commitment.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2017
  20. Dundee

    Dundee Fading day by day.

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    978
    Thanks CB, cheers. Will take it on board.
     

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