There is no answer.

[Shadowprophet]

I have an understanding of this stuff. I don’t want to get all personal but I have a partner/ not partner/ partner again who deals with hella mental illness and it’s a stressor to me personally. (Not forgetting my own problems eh, etc.) I hope things get better for you. Even if they don’t I hope you still are ok under the circumstances. Do your best and try to feel good whenever possible + try to internally condition yourself away from negative behavior in whatever patterns suit you personally.
I just don’t like it when people feel bad.

Don't worry, While how I was feeling isn't an overall feeling that I'm used too. It does have all the signs that it's connected to me being bipolar. Even now, After some sleep, I already feel a lot better. My worry is, The bipolar issue is getting worse. I used to be something I could struggle with and even though I couldn't outright overcome it, I could Pretend and Act and make myself act normally. Even if I didn't feel normal, This one though. It was nearly beyond my control completely, even realizing it was an episode, I was unable to really control it. I think I need to see the doctor and get back on my medications.


But I will be fine. My true biggest struggle is, I don't want to have to rely on medications. But, It seems like I may have too.

 

[Shadowprophet]

I am going through hell right now. Seriously, the last five years have made me feel as tho I must have done something really bad and have something I am supposed to learn from all this shit.

The last three years have been particularly awful and each day keeps getting worse. Two days ago, I wanted to take my self sharpening knife and climb into the bathtub. No matter how much I tried, I could not get that thought out of my head. Today, I'm over it.

Here's the thing, Shadow....you don't even have to get off the couch for drama and misfortune to come your way. Shit happens and life is messy. There is no easy answer that's for sure. And there never will be so don't dwell on it. You just keep soldiering, man. One foot in front of the other.

You are here for a reason, believe it or not. I don't know what it is and I have that same sense of my not being here for much longer either. I don't feel scared or morbid about it. I don't give a shit about living every moment to it's fullest either. All I know is that there is absolutely no evidence that killing myself is going to make anything easier. Might even make things more difficult. So, I won't do it.

I just have to be patient and wait for my purpose to become clear. What else can I do?

Thank you brother, I appreciate this, I can identify with all of this. My thing Is, I never want to share the bad times or the dark times, I don't want to bring people down.

My whole life has felt like a constant mountain I'm climbing. There is always adversity, But, For me, unless there is a challenge of some kind to overcome, I get bored. So I intentionally set myself up for challenges whether it's in education, I will intentionally choose to try to understand something incredibly difficult like quantum physics. And I don't give myself any room to fail. I will continue forcing myself through it and when I find a problem I can not understand. I will do away with it and replace it with something even more difficult, I do this for every aspect of my life, Socially, I will intentionally say the most awkward things to make the social setting challenging so I have a goal to work toward.

When I began doing these things, I think I was a child. But it's part of my personality now, I set myself up so that nothing is ever easy for me.

Sometimes, I break. And I do it to myself. Where the worry comes in, At this point, I'm unable to stop doing that because now, It's in my personality to do this, So I've already set myself up for a challenge before I even made the decision.

I've been too hard on myself, For an unknown number of years The stress of it all, The desire to just experience life without all the challenges I set up is overwhelming at times. What I would give to just wake up one morning, Not have to overcome any kind of challenge and just truly relax.

When I say things Like I'm ready for a break, I almost never mean, The forums, Or the internet. I'm ready for a break from my own purgatory that I created for myself.

 

[Shadowprophet]

I was looking at the chakra`s the other day, how i ended up there was by the name of that alien that checked into that hotel (A. Bell) a bell in the key of A is the note of the 3rd eye. but anyhow i got to the tailbone chakra, i broke mine as a kid and i thought maybe that's why i`m not so grounded.

When the ground disappears, it leaves us charged with anxiety, which is directly tied to our physical vitality, endurance and mental perseverance. We essentially lose our security, and it can have devastating effects on our mental health and prosperity.
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11213/signs-your-grounding-chakra-is-out-of-whack-what-to-do-about-it.html

Thank you brother, I'm going to read this and maybe it will help, I've studied chakras before And while I do Believe in it, I feel like the overall understanding of Chacras limits, In Chacras there are these energy points and one of only a handful of different energies.

The way I've come to understand Energy is, Energy is literally everywhere, Inside you, inside me, inside Nivek, Inside every living thing and some unliving things, and the energy itself can be positive or negative, primarily, But it's not limited to just that, every person, every animal every plant every insect has its own energy that can be positive or negative, But, it carries something unique to that individual, a reflection of the individuals " Will or intention" <-- Maybe

I do fully believe in Chacras, But I believe the whole energy issue, is much deeper and more intricate than that.
Although the Chacra theory does a fantastic Job of teaching about energy and organizing it though