A Fit Ghost

Discussion in 'Around the Campfire' started by Kchoo, Jan 25, 2019.

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Did you like this story?

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  1. Kchoo

    Kchoo Lunar Goon III Pilot

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  2. Shadowprophet

    Shadowprophet Truthiness

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    Reading it now,
     
  3. Shadowprophet

    Shadowprophet Truthiness

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    Yeah, It's a great story,

    It needs editing, And you flow from character to character with no transition, You need to let conversations and events flow more organically, I like your writing style, It's highly detailed, So Transitioning from scene to scene event to event or character to character shouldn't be scripted with labels Like Mom: Me: Flow into it with transitions like, And then She, or But I was And Then he, more natural, You know, Flowy . Umm Those are just my thoughts for the editing process,

    Loved it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2019
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  4. Kchoo

    Kchoo Lunar Goon III Pilot

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    Yes that was just a free form flow of the story as it registered in my mind... it definitely needs to be cleaned up and you hit the nail on the head with your suggestion.
    :)

    I will work on that when I have time If the story is seen as worthy of more effort...
     
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  5. Shadowprophet

    Shadowprophet Truthiness

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    It was a great story, It left me wanting to know more about him, Like, Why would his mom have guessed who he was? There is more story there to be discovered, What actually transpired when he went into the room? More details on was he a ghost or was he a figment? Illude to it, What is the connection between the boy and David. So much is left to the imagination, But that leaves a lot of room to evolve this story. It's great, I loved it.
     
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  6. Kchoo

    Kchoo Lunar Goon III Pilot

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    There are things I will be adding to the story:

    Somewhere in the middle of all of that, he would visit the patio and he would even do part of his workout with my weights in my backyard. We also made home made hand cranked ice cream, grilled tuna steaks, and hamburgers.

    The 3rd summer, I rode my bike to the campus and saw him sunbathing in the yard, and we talked a little. I also saw him at the YMCA a few times. I played racket ball with him on one of those times.

    If memory serves, prior to these events, he was a substitute coach in first and second grade.

    During high school he coached us in the weight room for a week, and the next year, during track at which time I thought he was just a parent of one of the other students...

    There are a few more things later in life that might be considered spoilers, so I will not divulge them yet... and not sure I ever will... Some things may be better off left in the mind... who knows how subjective our own minds can be... I guess it depends on how the next couple years go...
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
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  7. Kchoo

    Kchoo Lunar Goon III Pilot

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    If you like ghost stories... or time alterations... you may also enjoy this one.
    The Old Diner
     
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  8. Kchoo

    Kchoo Lunar Goon III Pilot

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  9. nivek

    nivek As Above So Below

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    It did not matter to much, the link still worked...

    ...
     
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  10. Kchoo

    Kchoo Lunar Goon III Pilot

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    Based on a short dialogue with my brother, I added a couple paragraphs to the link.

    A perfect conclusion...
     

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