I wandered across to a nearby shopping center at lunch time today to buy a book. The road was not all that busy. I have spent the last 3 days locked in a small workshop, tracing through server security logs, finding the source of about 90 user accounts that have been repeatedly getting locked out. It is about a 7 step process for each one, using server tools, LAN sweeper, log viewers and so on, then correlating and looking for patterns to find out why so many. As always when in my little workshop I had metal playing, in this case OTEP (actually as always OTEP
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I find it helps me think. Several trips to the kitchen for coffee, deep in thought for days. Lunch time came and I was planning how best to use my break. Still thinking about my work, and planning to buy a book I walked to the local shopping center, made my purchase and was walking back to work. The road was a little busy so I had to check for traffic.
Looking around for cars I suddenly realized it was actually not a bad day, I looked about.and it dawned on me.
With all that has happened to me of lat in my personal life, and at work. I have barely existed out of my own head.
Every moment of every day I have been in my head working, worrying, stressing over personal issues, but utterly oblivious to my surroundings. I don't know what the opposite to mindfulness is, but it's where I have been for as long as I can remember. Then I thought about this thread. How can I even be aware of the many deserts and ridges that may be appearing right in front of me with such a stressful life. I have barely a memory of the last few days, just fragments of, "Oh that is why that account was locked out" And a fleeting memory of a text message from my niece. I felt and feel I could not be more removed from my spirituality, and the world around me unless I was unconsciousness.
I wonder if the secret to being successful, to recognizing opportunities and embracing new challenges is not so much in reading a travel brochure, of applying for a promotion. But to find a way to truly wake up and live in the moment.
I have far far more vivid memories of events when I was young, than what I did yesterday. Oh I can remember, but I remember it as a description, a log of events on a timeline. Whereas my childhood memories are vivid, full of smells and emotions, the feeling of being at a certain place. I feel like I am walking in a dream. How much nicer might my life be if I could find a way to wake up, and just be. How many deserts have I missed.
