Shadowprophet
Truthiness
I was away for a few days, I know I've explained this before, But, Even so, I'd like to explain it in this way. Sometimes, I lose my rationality, And even though it may seem like I'm taking this really far out kind of view or even fighting for some cause, What's really happened in those cases is a polarity flip. I begin to perceive people who have been friends as people are trying to attack me, And its not a rational thing.
It's a brain chemical thing where my thoughts and perceptions of people and topics I know aren't registering with me in ways that I can understand. So, Unable to understand what's going on, My mind makes up a scenario that I can understand, It's always triggered by my perception that somehow people are getting unfairly hurt somehow. While I don't want to get deeply into the last episode I had, Because It was the worst one I've ever had. In my mind, I was absolutely convinced I was protecting innocent people. What makes it so bad is that sometimes I can recognize it's happening and I can just Run away or find something else to do, But sometimes, Instead of recognizing that I'm having this happen, Sometimes, I get confused and see things wrongly and I convince myself that I'm fighting for this cause or defending these people, The point I would like to make is, At those times that these things happen, I am fully convinced that my actions are the correct actions to take.
People may have noticed in the last few years, I'm much quicker to seek advice from others or other peoples opinions on things Because There are many times I can't trust my own judgments anymore. Being smart. Doesn't mean that someone can't be severely mentally ill, Actually, Being mentally ill has pretty much ruined my entire life. From losing a friend, or even longtime friends, To losing Jobs, To losing lovers,
I've spent my whole life losing things that are important to me. SO much so that, That is my normal life. Losing important things. I don't want to make excuses for myself, No matter what cards someone was dealt, Everyone is responsible for their own actions. To that end, If I had to make a call to protect some woman from some mentally deranged man, Do you think I would care that the man was mentally deranged? No, as anyone shouldn't. There is right and there is wrong, and the sad circumstances that made that man deranged would not matter against the greater good.
An example would be this. In my middle twenties, I had a party at my home, There was a woman who brought her son, Her son was fully Autistic. He had grabbed a girl, Not a woman, But a Girl, She was about 14, And sit her in his lap and begin putting his hand in her pants, She was scared and Crying for help. His mother tried to stop everyone from pulling the boy off the girl saying he was seriously mentally ill and he didn't mean to do the things he was doing and he didn't know they were wrong things to do. As you can imagine, That simply didn't matter. The girl was frightened and didn't deserve to be inflicted with the fallout of his illness. So, Fully knowing the Boy was severely autistic. I punched him as if he fully understood what he was doing. Because, The fact that he was sick, Didn't change that he was hurting someone else and it had to stop. People are responsible for their own actions, And if they can not be held accountable, then who can be? I am responsible for what I do, And Just understanding that I can't help it, doesn't make it okay.
People shouldn't feel sorry for me, I am not depressed, I am rarely ever depressed or sad, while I'm not what some people would call super rich.. For a boy that grew up in a country shack eating crackers and mustard on the extravagant nights. I in this modern time have no financial woes. There is no Psychological deprivation or outward reason that I should be severely bipolar. I don't have some Magical story that explains and makes it all make sense. Sometimes, For no reason at all, Things just Flip, And everything is confusing. Afterward, when I do finally come to my senses, I am left with Pain of having lost friends and having hurt peoples feelings. And yes, There is tremendous guilt, But, It's happened so many times, That doesn't mean it hurts any less or the guilt is any lighter, that just means I've had it happen so many times, It's part of my normal life.
This time, I had a migraine that lasted for two full days afterward, There were vomiting and sensitivity to light. And this will seem weird, It fully seems weird to me, But, There was a need to move all my Monitors, Like, this may not seem abnormal. But I had this need to Hang all my monitors on the walls, And not just at eye level, I had to hang them at a cealing level so I was forced to look up at them. And what made this so strange was, This was not a choice I made, I Felt a need to do this. I am fully aware that I have these episodes, I'm not losing my intelligence, But my rationality is fleeting at times.
It really sucks, And I'm sorry if I hurt anyone through this whole thing. Sometimes, I want to leave, Because I know people don't deserve this, But, I am not a person who gives up, I've never been a quitter. I also feel like, If there are other people going through things like this. Maybe this will allow those people to know they aren't alone in this. No matter what I decide to do, To stay or Go, It will be what is best for others.
I don't mean any Harm, I never want to cause pain, or alienate people. While I am responsible for my own actions and would even go so far as to condemn other people siting that they are also responsible for any actions they would or could do. SO I'm not looking to cover my actions up or say I'm not at fault.
I deserve whatever fallout there is to receive because if I were in another's shoes, I would Hold people accountable for their actions.
It's a brain chemical thing where my thoughts and perceptions of people and topics I know aren't registering with me in ways that I can understand. So, Unable to understand what's going on, My mind makes up a scenario that I can understand, It's always triggered by my perception that somehow people are getting unfairly hurt somehow. While I don't want to get deeply into the last episode I had, Because It was the worst one I've ever had. In my mind, I was absolutely convinced I was protecting innocent people. What makes it so bad is that sometimes I can recognize it's happening and I can just Run away or find something else to do, But sometimes, Instead of recognizing that I'm having this happen, Sometimes, I get confused and see things wrongly and I convince myself that I'm fighting for this cause or defending these people, The point I would like to make is, At those times that these things happen, I am fully convinced that my actions are the correct actions to take.
People may have noticed in the last few years, I'm much quicker to seek advice from others or other peoples opinions on things Because There are many times I can't trust my own judgments anymore. Being smart. Doesn't mean that someone can't be severely mentally ill, Actually, Being mentally ill has pretty much ruined my entire life. From losing a friend, or even longtime friends, To losing Jobs, To losing lovers,
I've spent my whole life losing things that are important to me. SO much so that, That is my normal life. Losing important things. I don't want to make excuses for myself, No matter what cards someone was dealt, Everyone is responsible for their own actions. To that end, If I had to make a call to protect some woman from some mentally deranged man, Do you think I would care that the man was mentally deranged? No, as anyone shouldn't. There is right and there is wrong, and the sad circumstances that made that man deranged would not matter against the greater good.
An example would be this. In my middle twenties, I had a party at my home, There was a woman who brought her son, Her son was fully Autistic. He had grabbed a girl, Not a woman, But a Girl, She was about 14, And sit her in his lap and begin putting his hand in her pants, She was scared and Crying for help. His mother tried to stop everyone from pulling the boy off the girl saying he was seriously mentally ill and he didn't mean to do the things he was doing and he didn't know they were wrong things to do. As you can imagine, That simply didn't matter. The girl was frightened and didn't deserve to be inflicted with the fallout of his illness. So, Fully knowing the Boy was severely autistic. I punched him as if he fully understood what he was doing. Because, The fact that he was sick, Didn't change that he was hurting someone else and it had to stop. People are responsible for their own actions, And if they can not be held accountable, then who can be? I am responsible for what I do, And Just understanding that I can't help it, doesn't make it okay.
People shouldn't feel sorry for me, I am not depressed, I am rarely ever depressed or sad, while I'm not what some people would call super rich.. For a boy that grew up in a country shack eating crackers and mustard on the extravagant nights. I in this modern time have no financial woes. There is no Psychological deprivation or outward reason that I should be severely bipolar. I don't have some Magical story that explains and makes it all make sense. Sometimes, For no reason at all, Things just Flip, And everything is confusing. Afterward, when I do finally come to my senses, I am left with Pain of having lost friends and having hurt peoples feelings. And yes, There is tremendous guilt, But, It's happened so many times, That doesn't mean it hurts any less or the guilt is any lighter, that just means I've had it happen so many times, It's part of my normal life.
This time, I had a migraine that lasted for two full days afterward, There were vomiting and sensitivity to light. And this will seem weird, It fully seems weird to me, But, There was a need to move all my Monitors, Like, this may not seem abnormal. But I had this need to Hang all my monitors on the walls, And not just at eye level, I had to hang them at a cealing level so I was forced to look up at them. And what made this so strange was, This was not a choice I made, I Felt a need to do this. I am fully aware that I have these episodes, I'm not losing my intelligence, But my rationality is fleeting at times.
It really sucks, And I'm sorry if I hurt anyone through this whole thing. Sometimes, I want to leave, Because I know people don't deserve this, But, I am not a person who gives up, I've never been a quitter. I also feel like, If there are other people going through things like this. Maybe this will allow those people to know they aren't alone in this. No matter what I decide to do, To stay or Go, It will be what is best for others.
I don't mean any Harm, I never want to cause pain, or alienate people. While I am responsible for my own actions and would even go so far as to condemn other people siting that they are also responsible for any actions they would or could do. SO I'm not looking to cover my actions up or say I'm not at fault.
I deserve whatever fallout there is to receive because if I were in another's shoes, I would Hold people accountable for their actions.
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