I figured it out.

Discussion in 'Around the Campfire' started by Shadowprophet, Jan 29, 2020.

  1. Shadowprophet

    Shadowprophet Truthiness

    Messages:
    3,154
    I really have had a rough life and there has just been so much loss and bullshit. It's endless.

    Notwithstanding. I know others have it rough too. So It's not like I'm making a special case out of my own issues. The problem is, Just denying it and telling myself I'm not just isn't fixing the issues.
    For years now, I've been looking for a way to slowly fade away, I make excuses like I'm losing my eyesight, which I am, but still. But the problem is deeper than that, I've just lost my will to be a part of groups or even hang out with people. I honestly just want nothing more than to spend the rest of my time with my family and grandchildren and my dogs. There was a time in my life when I was uncertain about who I was, Or what I wanted and communities let me spend time about people and feel like I was part of something Big.

    But. I've entered a different stage of my life, All I truly want is family and my dogs. I have everything I could ever want out of life. It took me years just to learn how to deal with the loss of my Daughters, There is no easy way to overcome pain and loss. And You guys all helped me, Just by being there and hearing me out.

    I've to spent Years Evolving from a person of great loss and sadness, taking his pain out on other people just to cope. Into someone, Who Genuinely cares about others, Into someone I like. Now that I can see around me, at the new life I have, New daughters, New Grandchildren, And I'm genuinely able to love them and feel their love for me. I am more complete than I have ever been. This, Life, This Youtube, and Twitter life, This Science and ufology life. Forums and Articles life, It's been a huge part of my existence for decades. But I look up from the keyboard, I don't see the same young person that started this life, I see an old man. And I feel a need to spend more time with family.


    I know I've said it before, But This is Really it. I'm wary of the Online thing. It's something I'm ready to take a long break from. I may be back someday, Who knows, But My full intentions are to live this new life I've built. To finish my garage. To take my grandkids to Disney World and hell maybe be a more outdoorsy person.

    I feel it. I feel it in my soul. I'm throwing my final years on this earth away sitting at a desk. No.

    Peace out everybody. SP.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Awesome Awesome x 2
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  2. Kchoo

    Kchoo At Peace.

    Messages:
    2,202
    Welcome to "at peace"
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  3. pigfarmer

    pigfarmer tall, thin, irritable

    Messages:
    2,585
    SP take a break but please come back. I like the stuff you write. Everything's OK in moderation.

    I sometimes cringe a but when I see the amount of crapola I post. Just an outlet for stuff I have nowhere to go with - for which I'm extremely thankful. I just try to flip a switch and turn it off at a certain point each day. Too much sedentary time is no good. I'm turning this PC off shortly and headed north with the wife and dog for a hike.

    Not necessarily directly related to your experiences, but like you I'm trying to figure out stuff and things for myself right now. A bit trapped by my past and the major obstacle to change is me. We're usually our own worst enemy. One thing I won't do is rationalize problems away - I have a good friend who does that and it has caused him no end of grief. I like to say the the trouble starts when you start believing your own bullshit. Never buy your own advertising.

    Two thoughts from this.

    Personally, I don't think 'inner peace' is a point that your finally get to, it's an ongoing process and you're lucky to enjoy it while it lasts like a hot fresh cup of coffee. Just like coffee you can only take so much at once. We're snot nosed humans - if you read the fine print on our packaging it says "for best results rub in shit periodically." Based on what I've seen from my brand new great-niece there must be something to that; she's been spewing s**t like a volcano with evident glee! I think it's a natural lubricant for our personalities.

    An acquaintance is a Chinese man who really is some sort of wing-chun martial arts expert. He teaches this stuff and is good at it - he actually lives the Kung Fu life. It's cultural, says he. The man practices all sorts of meditation and is physically impressive, very much an athlete. You hang out with him for even a few minutes - he's calm, or centered, or something. A collection of very subtle cues from whatever or however it is he 'arranges' himself in public. The guy just feels grounded. He is I suppose. Very calm, content, talks a lot about inner peace. Privately he's a train wreck. Financially, in terms of relationships, job choices, you name it. My involvement with him is with cars and at that, all I can say is he's a FEMA level disaster that shouldn't be allowed anywhere near them.

    The other thought which applies to me directly is that just when you think you have a problem there's always someone available to make you question that. I work with some very, very broken souls and would be embarrassed to voice some of what I think are my problems anywhere near them. Not at all helpful when you're upset but all too true. Last night I gave the usual ride home to a guy I call 'Sam Elliott's brother.' Looks a lot like him. Limps badly, uses a cane, drags one leg and is in evident pain. Not sure exactly why we get along but we do. He lives nearby and I am one of a number of people who try to make sure he has a ride. Thing is, he never once asked anyone, never uttered a single solitary complaint, nothing. Ever. He's a crabby f**ker but standing up straight on his own (figuratively speaking). He lives so close to the margin it isn't funny. Let him go buy himself a pack of smokes and he's relatively content. So when I drop him off and drive away in my nice truck, go to my nice home to see my wife and furry kids I ask myself often what the hell I'm upset about.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. pepe

    pepe Noble

    Messages:
    723
    From where I am standing from you have a good enough existence with what you have listed but I do understand the stresses one can feel from what ever walk of life you come from. There are times I begin to think of how rough things have been but I stop it by comparing my luck and choices when being a first worlder.

    Money, I struggle to get it, love, you can keep it but another pet one day I will take on.

    Get off twatter but stick around here, where the water is just fine
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. Double Nought Spy

    Double Nought Spy Easily Amused

    Messages:
    893
    Good luck, SP. Sounds like you have some very positive changes in the works. Definitely get away from Twatter, like Pepe says. It's worse than daytime TV. It's hard to imagine you staying away from this place completely, and I hope you don't. Where else are you going to discuss Weird Shit without the usual knee jerk responses?
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  6. pigfarmer

    pigfarmer tall, thin, irritable

    Messages:
    2,585
    Ain't that the truth. But other people being worse off doesn't really help much.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  7. nivek

    nivek As Above So Below

    Messages:
    15,817
    Difficulties depend upon one another and people depend upon one another too whether first world or third world living, sometimes being 'worse off' is a blessing and being 'well off' a curse, each 'status' could ruin a man or woman or 'save' one, as above so below...

    ...
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  8. pepe

    pepe Noble

    Messages:
    723
    That's a very good point when you look at it like that but knowing of third world strife can ease the first world stresses, it works for me.

    The grass can be greener on the other side of the fence from where ever one comes from I reckon. I do like the sound of a simple life without the pressure of keeping up but if I were already there I just know I would be longing for all that comes from our existence.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. pepe

    pepe Noble

    Messages:
    723
    For you Shadow.



    Shared a reefer with this fella back in the ninetys. Well I say shared, I bogarted it apparently and his mate called me toffee lips.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. nivek

    nivek As Above So Below

    Messages:
    15,817
    That kind of life is nice for a break from things, even a long break, and I suppose also fitting for an end of life type living, at such a time I would think that inner preparations are well underway, and as for the break, well paradise is in the eye of the beholder...The lures of this physical world can be quite amazing, the sensations and pleasures to entice and draw in souls, it must be irresistible for some and for others quite an attraction, especially for the newcomers lol...

    ...
     

Share This Page