That is a mighty complex thing to take in. The thing that comes to my mind is the need find a way to separate the real from the imagined, and further to be able to decide if the imagines is just that, your subconscious taking you for a ride, or some profound glimpse of some other reality. Each is possible, each is likely, and the truth is probably bits of both. But through all that you seem to be on a roller coaster of extreme emotions.
Would it be possible to chart in some way all the combinations of conciseness you experience in a sequence, or perhaps not a sequence but in some fashion so you can look at each state individually.
Then take each one and list its properties, and effect, and further what you can control and what you cant.
For example, I get sleep paralysis too, but by the sound of things not like you do. It used to terrify me beyond belief, until I tool the time to understand it. I will use what i did in my
simple example to illustrate how I got over it.
OK so in my case,
My body is still in a sleep like state,
My mind wakes up to some degree,
I have initially no understanding why I cannot move,
I am confused as to what is real because I am still both dreaming
and awake enough to be aware of my surroundings.
The terror of paralysis takes over from the dream state.
I am now less aware of my dreams and very aware that I cant move.
I wait in fear
After a time I begin to gain some movement.
Eventually it passes and I am awake.
The terror still looms large in my mind.
OK so that's how it used to be, until I read up on it and what it really was, so I thought OK, what are the bits I can control, and what are the bits I cant control.
I CAN
Be aware of what is happening.
Recognize what the process will be, and the phases that occur till It passes
Be aware that I may be able to perceive my dreams as well as being awake
Be aware that I may be very frightened
Be aware that it will take time to regain movement
Be aware I am not at risk
Be aware I am safe.
I CANT
Stop it mid cycle....
I cant move....
And you know what, that's about it.
So I thought about all this over and over, trying to remain aware of all these thoughts.
Then one night I got sleep paralysis again, and I remembered all of the
I CANS
So this time it was different.
Straight away I understood what was happening, so in an instant I was able to eliminate
the fear, and be aware I am safe, and it will pass.
I was able to realize I am both asleep and awake at the same time.
I understood it all.
So I actually found myself quite amused and fascinated by it all.
I enjoyed trying to separate the dream part from the reality.
I tried a little lucid dreaming, could I control the dream part now i was aware of it?
I became aware of individual body parts, and was having fun periodically testing for movement
I experimented by seeing what happened if I tried to force my mind to pay attention to the awake part, and be more self aware of my paralysis.
All the while monitoring my inability to move.
Then it passed.
And I realized that at that moment i turned a once terrifying experience into almost a fun experiment. I actually sat up grinning at my achievement, I had no residual terror, but had fun thinking back over it wondering what I would try next.
OK so I know my situation is minor and in now way even goes close to your complex situation.
But could you apply the same methodology.
Break down clinically, as if helping someone else, each state of consciousness you may find yourself in.
Recognize the real from the not real, identify the bits you can be aware of, and the bits you can control.
Even perhaps look at the bits that you cant control but at least watch them with an understanding of whats happening.
Can you try to turn it into an experiment, not to be feared, but to be fascinated by.
The other thing is, you said earlier...
All these things have done is to make me question reality to the point where there is no rest, no peace...just doubts and more unanswered questions. I envy those who can believe in a religious faith or trust that there is nothing outside of their closed empirical scientific view. They are content to simply believe without the necessity of those beliefs having been proven true. They find a path and follow it...self assured that it is right and that they know what lies at the end. I can't find a path. Every turn leads to another fork in the road.
We all feel that way, we all want answers, but try as I might, I plod along like a caveman, with little or no ability to do anything to find my answers.
You on the other hand have an opportunity that others do not. You may call it a curse. But you have a unique ability to have a direct and cognoscente window into your own subconsciousness mind while being able to be awake.
People sit on top of mountains for decades trying to achieve what you can do at will.
I say write it all down as if you were trying to help me. Clinically pull each stage apart event by event, and use that brilliant mind of yours to decide what bits to be not fearful off.
Write a journal of each thought experiment and plan for the next.
Chart it, change it, watch it and research it.
And remember above all that just because it makes you question reality, does not mean we are all doomed to the void.
It is more likely in my mind you are experiencing some sort of profound cosmic conciseness that you are yet to understand.
You have experienced a wholeness that I only dream of.
It doesn't have to be a curse, it can be a blessing.
I hope I haven't insulted you by inadvertently making such a significant part of your life sound simple.
I have no idea what it is really like for you.
But it is just what came to mind when I read your post.
Oh and when you write the book about it, make a gazillion dollars, and become famous. I expect a mention in the Forward
