Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Arts, Sports, & Entertainment' started by Dundee, Aug 22, 2017.

  1. Ras

    Ras Honorable

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  2. michael59

    michael59 Celestial

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  3. ChrisIB

    ChrisIB Honorable

    Messages:
    236
    KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN

    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

    neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by

    Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as

    long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a

    year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no

    answer, he would be put to death.

    The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex

    even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an

    impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the

    monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

    He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the

    priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone,

    but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

    Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would

    have the answer.

    But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the

    kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

    The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to

    the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to

    agree to her price first.

    The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the

    Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

    Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one

    tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never

    encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

    He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible

    burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

    He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and

    the preservation of the Round Table.

    Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question

    thus:


    What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own

    life.


    Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great

    truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.


    And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and

    Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.


    The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a

    horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

    The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The

    astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.


    The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she

    appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only

    half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.


    Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?


    Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to

    show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an

    old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day,

    but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate

    moments?


    What would YOU do?

    What Lancelot chose is below.

    BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


    OKAY?


    Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


    Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time

    because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own

    life.
    Now....what is the moral to this story?

    The moral is.....

    *If you don't let a woman have her own way.... *

    *Things are going to get ugly. *
     
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  4. Dundee

    Dundee Fading day by day.

    Messages:
    978
    Hello Troops,
    Here is a bit of Aussie Humor.
    Carl Baron, Hope you like it.
    I reckon he is a funny bastard. :)
     
  5. wwkirk

    wwkirk Celestial

    Messages:
    1,893
    An oldie but goodie!

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

    "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

    "The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
     
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  6. coubob

    coubob Celestial

    Messages:
    1,489
    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

    The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

    Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

    The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

    Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

    Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

    “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

    Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!
     
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