Joke Thread

wwkirk

Divine
Not a joke per se, but a humorous remark I found in the comments to a news story.

"Women marry men thinking they will change and they don't, men marry women thinking they won't change and they do."
:smile2:
 

nivek

As Above So Below
My friend David had his id stolen, now he's just Dav...

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nivek

As Above So Below
Some people eat snails...

They must not like fast food...
:Whistle:

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wwkirk

Divine
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes. The Empire State building can't jump. b006
 

michael59

Celestial
A funeral director I know ties dead people's shoelaces together.
When I asked him why he said, "Because, if there’s ever a zombie apocalypse it will be f*****g hilarious."
 

michael59

Celestial
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen - he sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
 

nivek

As Above So Below
We have a sexual intellectual at work, he's a fucking know it all...lol

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wwkirk

Divine
A husband and wife were eating dinner at a nice restaurant when the woman says,
“You know, without you I could never have made it through these last 35 years.”

The husband replies, “Is that really you talking, or is it the wine?”

“I was talking TO the wine,” says the wife.


Anticipating Christmas:

At a chess convention 3 men were in the hotel Lobby during the break arguing about who was the best chess player. The manager of the hotel threw them out of the hotel because
he couldn’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
 

wwkirk

Divine
Did you hear about the time a Catholic priest, an imam and a rabbit entered a pub?

The barman asked them what would they like to drink.
The priest said: “I’ll have a beer, thanks.”
The imam said: “Could I have an orange juice, please?”
The barman then asked the rabbit: “And what can I get you?”

The rabbit replied: “I have no idea—I’m only here because of a typographical error.”




Thought I'd share a subtler kind of joke this time. :nice:
 

nivek

As Above So Below
How is a dildo and tofu similar?...

Both are meat substitutes...

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nivek

As Above So Below
When a midget says your hair smells nice is that sexual harassment?...

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nivek

As Above So Below
Whats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?...

You can't hear an enzyme...

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nivek

As Above So Below
How did Pinocchio know he was made of wood?...

His right hand caught fire...

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nivek

As Above So Below
What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?...

They both have snap on tools...

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