pigfarmer
tall, thin, irritable
That is a great post and one I had to read a few times.
Yes effort is the key, manual labour for many years has taken a toll on my body and my lifestyle choices have done the same to my mind but I still have it to give. Your auntie maybe signalling echoes of virtue because of the internal struggle some have because of being white and privileged or it could be a genuine wanting to give a better life, Madonna springs to mind.
I think my drug use in my early life has taken something from me or it has given the impression of a lost time where others were making ground. I've always been a tradesman and they used to have a special entrance for those and still do in certain buildings where the wealthy work or live. I do have that chuckle to myself when I see the ones who try too hard to uphold an image that sticks out like a sore thumb. Bottom line for me now is that I know I am a good person and it was a struggle to become so and as with much in life I never felt it happen but here I am, staying out of trouble and thinking of the future, bit late but I got there and have become a better person than some who I looked up to, now I just look sideways at them.
Funny you mention the apocalypse as I too know I would be one who would be able to survive better than most, or at least when I see some of the kinds of folks I do, it feels that way.
My family and friends tell me I should be more self confidential and understand that I am no lesser a person than others but I can say with all honesty i have felt that way for some time, not when in a social environment but when working. Never used to be the case but has become so with age I think we all get that a bit.
So, if any kids are reading this heed my words and stay as clean as you can because it's an uphill battle to get somewhere near par.
Good man pigfarmer, you bolstered me some what with what you wrote and for that I am grateful.
I have eventually done the right thing by my family, even more so than other siblings and they recognise that which comes as a huge relief and means more to me than anything else.
I think my drug use in my early life has taken something from me or it has given the impression of a lost time where others were making ground.
Yes and no. Hindsight being clear I would have been better off avoiding all that but to put it in perspective things could've been worse. I can think of a few that paid a much, much higher price. Experimentation is one thing, true addiction is another.
I had a friend - emphasis on the had part - who is a professional, educated, speaks a couple of languages and has traveled all over the world. Interesting guy and we were friends over 20 years. But for those years he demonstrated a real propensity for arrogance, class, snobbery etc based upon what I've mentioned plus the collection of crap he's accumulated. He and his former wife were the nouveau riche of the area. I can't tell you how many petty comments I endured and mostly shrugged off because he had his good points too. But I was listening and filing those comments away and like grains of sand on a scale it eventually tipped.
He showed up here one day behaving strangely and for reasons that aren't really clear to anyone actually thought he was going to climb into bed and plow my wife and that we were OK with it. Really. He went on at such length that we were literally numb with shock and surprise. I disabused him of that right quick. I did so in a very low key way that held a mirror up to his behavior and let his eggshell fragile ego do the rest. Like some martial art with a small move that uses your opponent's weight and strength against them.
It's oxycontin and probably other things too. His marriage and life fell apart but it was more from that arrogant and tone deaf personality. You can cure drug addiction but not being a true a*****e to the core. Yet he would have been the first one to make you or I use the service entrance and probably throw a few mocking comments in for good measure. Like many his success is a facade and I am not impressed.
Again, this is why I look at the person first and whatever they are saying second. Uniforms, credentials, financial success and all that cover up the same stinking backside we all have. Nah, the only way other people wind up on a pedestal is if you put them there.
As for the abuse I inflicted on myself, well, the bill hasn't come due for me but probably will eventually. You gotta die from something. My physical complaints come from the mileage, not the years.