Reincarnation is more and more on my mind lately. I suppose because, I'm 40 years old and am now faced with the reality that karma is very real. I haven't lived a bad life by any means, but I haven't lived a particularly good one either. I have made some bad decisions and missed opportunities to make good decisions that I have to carry with me every day; can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.
Probably the worst part is, the growing feeling that I don't function well here on planet Earth in the year 2019 even though I live in the most prosperous nation in the world. My mind is wired differently than everyone else's. I care about things that others don't, and don't care about things that others do. It is very hard for me to form attachments to other people, even those who want to form close attachments with me. I have gotten to the point of thinking, "what is the use, they are just going to think I am weird and strange." In fact, forming relationships with others is such a daunting task I don't even try to do it. I interact with people when I need to do it for a particular purpose, otherwise no need to do so.
I have always felt like I do not have a literal or figurative place of belonging on this planet, and the circumstances of my life reflect that. My parents moved around alot when I was a kid so I never really had a family home or hometown, this only increased after they divorced. My wife and I are on our third address since we got married in 2011, and I'm sure we will add to that list. I have had a variety of jobs and different career tracks too, and it's looking like my current job is leading to another dead end even though it is the best one I have ever had and I really would love to stay there for decades to come. Now, I know that millions of people live life under these circumstances and I'm not a charity case by any means. What I am trying to say is, I feel empty and out of place in every area of my life and this feeling increases as I get older. My natural thoughts, inclinations, and desires always go against everyone else's.
So, this is why I am thinking about reincarnation so much nowadays. It is a hopeful and exciting possibility that I could be reborn into this world or another one, and get a new chance to live a good life. Perhaps I could make better choices, and maybe my mind would be more in tune with the next world I am born into. Understand that I am not suicidal or trying to gain undeserved sympathy, I know there are billions of people who live a worse life than I do. I just can't help the fact that I feel completely out of place here, and see no chance of that improving in this lifetime. The chorus from "Heathaze" by Genesis sums it up nicely, this is what I feel like 24/7/365:
The trees and I are shaken by
The same winds, but whereas
The trees will lose their withered leaves
I just can't seem to let them loose
And they can't refresh me
Those hot winds of the south
Oh I feel like an alien
A stranger, in an alien place