Joke Thread

D

Dundee

Fading day by day.
Two Aussies were walking through the bush shooting Rabbits,
One of the blokes after a few cans of beer is busting for a leak so he wanders off behind a tree.
His mate not paying much attention when all of a sudden he hears a scream..
"Jesus Christ you little Mongrel"
His mate comes bolting out from behind the tree covering his privates with his hands.
Mate he yells, what happened?

The first bloke paled and said...
A bloody big brown snake just bit me right on the end of me old feller when I was having a leak!!!!!

Bloody hell, his mate says, do you have a first aid kit?
No nothing he says, what am I going to do.

The second bloke thinks for a second and says, I have an idea, I have a phone, ill ring a doctor.
So he pulls out his phone but there is no signal.
Hell.... he thinks for a bit, wait on, I'll climb up a tree, maybe I'll get a signal there,
So up he goes to the top of the tree, while his mate is in panic running around in circles cupping his old feller.
So the second bloke gets a signal and is talking to the doctor.
He explains the situation to the doctor, and the dock says..do you have a snake bite kit?
Bloke says no,
Doc says what about a belt, to make a tourniquet, Nope nothing, I am wearing footy shorts and a singlet.
The dock says what about a knife?
The bloke says yeah I have a pocket knife.

The doc says good, listen carefully, your going to have to take the knife and make a small incision between the two bite marks, then put your lips on it an suck the poison out.

The bloke in the tree looks pretty sheepish, pauses for a second and says to the doctor, that's it, that is the only solution is it?
Doc say I am afraid so, if you do that quickly your mate will be fine, if not, he will be dead in 20 minutes.
OK the bloke says, thanks, and hangs up.

He looks down at his mate who is still running around holding his old feller in panic.
He looks up and yells to his mate in the tree.
What did the Doc say, tell me what did he say?

His mate in the tree thinks for a second and says.
Sorry mate, but your stuffed, you've got 20 minutes to live.
 
D

Dundee

Fading day by day.
Two Queenslanders and a Victorian are walking along the beach arguing about which is the best state in Australia.
One of them kicks a bottle in the sand, and say, hey look what I found.
Trying to get a better look, he rubs the sand off it, then all of a sudden out pops a Genie
Looking a bit annoyed the Genei goes, oh bloody hell, Aussies again, OK he says, three wishes, one each whats it to be?
He looks at the first Queenslander... who thinks for a second and says, I want you to get all the Victorians out of Queensland and send them back to Victoria!
"POOF" a puff of smoke and the Genie says, "Done!"
He looks at the 2nd Queenslander and says..well?
Hmmm he says, I know he says with a Grin, I want you to build an impenetrable wall all around Queensland, 500 feet high and 200 feet thick., so those bloody Victorians can't come back.
"POOF" a puff of smoke and the Genie says, "Done!"
Finally the Genie looks at the Victorian and say, "And your wish?"
The Victorian thinks for a bit and asks, "that wall, would it hold water?"
The genie looks indignantly at the Victorian and says, "Of course it does, my magical ability is beyond question, that wall is impenetrable!!!"

Good says the Victorian, then for my wish I want you to fill all the inside with water right to the top and drawn the bastards :)
"POOF" a puff of smoke and the Genie says, "Done!"
 
D

Dundee

Fading day by day.
After a big religious ceremony the Pope had finished work after a really long day. He walked out to the pope mobile to head home. Needing to blow off a bit of steam he said to his chauffeur, Tell you what mate, you normally drive me about. I need something different tonight, you jump in the back and I'll drive back to the hotel.
Well the chauffeur was a little taken back by this but what can you do when the pope tells you do do something. So he jumps in the back of the limo, the pope jumps in the drivers seat and off they go.

Anyway the Pope hasn't been at the wheel for ages and gives it a bit of a squirt....right past a traffic cop.
The cop puts on lights and sirens and off he goes after the limo, the pope pulls over and the cop comes up to the window and looks in and just about keels over.
Bloody hell he thinks, that s the bloody pope I have just pulled over.
Before the pope can can say anything the cop is on his back foot in panic and says hang on your holiness, I will just have to check something with my boss.
He bolts back to the cop car and radios his sergeant, and says, hey sarge I have just pulled bloke over, and he is really important, can I let him off the hook?
The sarge says, how important? More important than the chief of police,
The cop goes hell yeah,
Sarge says, OK, more important than the mayor,
Cop says hell yeah, plus some.
Sarge thinks hell who can it be, he asked OK, more important than the prime minister,
The cop says, prime minister!!! yep more important than him.
So by this time the sarge gives up an says OK, I cant work this out, so who is it you have pulled over.
The cop replies, well sarge
I can't be sure because the back windows are tinted but I can tell you this,
Who ever is in the back of that Limo, he has got the Pope as a chauffeur.
 
michael59

michael59

Celestial
Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
 
notdej

notdej

Honorable
What do you call a woman who can cut up veg with one hand.

Make coffee with the other.

Mop the floor with one foot & polish with the other?

A Swiss Army Wife.
 
Octo

Octo

Honorable
Barack Obama has a way with ladies...
Donald Trump meets Barack Obama and asks him: Barack how the hell do you handle so many ladys and last all night?
Obama: Donald its very easy... Before you get in bed with any women you have to hit you're w*ng in the night stand until it is completely numb then you will last all the time you want.
Trump goes home and finds Melania in the shower and runs to the bedroom takes his clothes off and starts hitting his w*ng in the night stand.
Melania listens all the hitting gets out of the shower and asks: Barack is that you?
 
michael59

michael59

Celestial
Meet The Parents


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" she says.

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist."
 
D

Dundee

Fading day by day.
There was this Aussie farmer sitting in outback Queensland one hot summer night,
and he had had four daughters.

This night he was having a beer, when he heard a knock on the door.
Bloody kids he thought, grabbed his 303 and answered the door.
There was a sheepish looking young bloke standing ther. The bloke said,

Hello sir, my name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."
The farmer thought, well that sounds harmless enough, so he let them go out.

Pretty soon, there was another knock at the door and another young bloke was there. He said,
"G'day Sir, my name's Lance.
I've come for Nance to a dance.
Again, the farmer thought that this was OK and let them go.

Soon, another knock on the door with yet another
young bloke standing there. He said,
My name is Moe.
I'm here to take Flo to a show.
Again the farmer was amused and let them go.
A show sounded harmless enough.

Finally, there was a knock on the door.
The farmer opened it and there was a dopey looking no bloke standing there with a can of beer in his hand.

The bloke said,
G'day cobber, my names Buck
Before the bloke could say another word he pointed the 303 at him and said.

On your way Buck.
 
D

Dundee

Fading day by day.
They really are one of the stupidest looking creatures aren't they. You cant look an Emu in the eye and not laugh at it.
 
michael59

michael59

Celestial
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St... Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must
Tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is
Good to be here, St.. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
As it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week
Begin with the letter T?


Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions
Over. He returns the next day and sees St.. Peter, who waves him up, and
Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
Tell me your answers.'


Forrest replied, 'Well, the
First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
For that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
In a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
Though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give
You credit for that one, too.. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Peter..

'Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest
One of all,' Forrest replied.. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
And said: 'Run, Forrest, run..'
 
AlienView

AlienView

Noble
True story:

I have a neighbor that obviously has some screws loose - Comes up to neighbors with crazy and outlandish statements - Apparently he is harmless and they let him roam freely with his brother covering his rent,
as well as receiving disability.

So the other day he walks up to me and instead of ranting about all the money he is worth or other such nonsense, he says:

"How did the crazy person find his way out of the woods?"

So I say : "I don't know, how did the crazy person fing his way out of the woods?"

And he answers:

"PSYCHOPATH" :biggrinn8:
 
D

Dundee

Fading day by day.
Two Prawns, Christian and Julian were swimming along one day when all of a sudden they saw swimming out of some reeds a huge fish. In panic they turned and began to swim away when the fish yelled out, don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you I promise. In fact he yelled, I am in a really good mood, I will do you each a favor.
The two prawns stopped because something in the big fishes voice made them trust him so they turned around. The big fish swam up and said, Hello there, I'm COD, and I am in a really good mood and because I have magic powers I will grant you each one wish. So he looked at Julian and said, what would you like for your wish. Julian thinks for a minute and says, well, I am sick of being one of the smallest creatures in the sea, with everything trying to eat me all the time. I would like to be a Shark, that way I will be safe. No worries says COD, and with a clap of his fins, Julian transforms into a great white shark. Super happy Julian Swims away. Cod Looks to Christian and says, and what would you like for your wish. Julian thinks for a while and says, look, thanks anyway, but I am pretty happy being a prawn. I might skip. Surprised COD says OK, no worries your choice. Then they each swim away. Anyway after a few days Julian the Shark misses his old mate christian, he had no friends as a shark because everyone was scared of him and swam away. So being just too lonely he decides to try and find the magic fish and asked to be turned back into a prawn. Eventually he finds him, and pleads his case. COD thinks, well I guess I can do that because your mate didn't use up his wish.OK he says. Then with a clap of his flippers Julian is back to normal.
Super excited he goes looking everywhere for his old friend. But he just cant find him anywhere. Then he remembers one last place to look, the old rock cave. So he swims over and knocks on the door and yells Christian me old mate, are you there? Let me in. This tiny little voice from behind the rock door says, no way, your a big shark, you just want to eat me.
The little prawn replies. No its OK, don't worry.
I found COD, and now I'm a prawn again Christian.
 
D

Dundee

Fading day by day.
A Pom, A Scott and an Aussie walk into a bar and each order a pint of beer.
The beers arrive and each bloke notices that there is a Fly swimming about in their drinks.
The Pom pushes his back and says, that's disgusting, I want another fresh one please.
The Scott looks at his, picks the fly out and shrugs, then drinks his beer.
They both look over at the Aussie.
The Aussie has the fly by its wings shaking it over his glass saying....
Spit it out you thieving little bastard I that's my beer.
 
Octo

Octo

Honorable
A Portuguese, a British and a Spanish are talking

The Portuguese guy says: my wife is so dumb... She bought glasses and she has good eye sight.
The British guy says: my wife is even worse... She bought a bicicle and she doesnt even know how to ride it.
The Spanish guy says: thats nothing my wife is really stupid she and her girl friends go on vacation and she bought a case of condoms and neither she nor her friends have a penis.
 
Ras

Ras

Honorable
A 70 year old man went for a Sperm Test. The
Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm. The
next day, the man came with the empty bottle & said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand & right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife & daughter tried the same way..but could not open the damn bottle.
 
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