A funeral director I know ties dead people's shoelaces together.
When I asked him why he said, "Because, if there’s ever a zombie apocalypse it will be f*****g hilarious."
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen - he sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
A husband and wife were eating dinner at a nice restaurant when the woman says,
“You know, without you I could never have made it through these last 35 years.”
The husband replies, “Is that really you talking, or is it the wine?”
“I was talking TO the wine,” says the wife.
Anticipating Christmas:
At a chess convention 3 men were in the hotel Lobby during the break arguing about who was the best chess player. The manager of the hotel threw them out of the hotel because
he couldn’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Did you hear about the time a Catholic priest, an imam and a rabbit entered a pub?
The barman asked them what would they like to drink.
The priest said: “I’ll have a beer, thanks.”
The imam said: “Could I have an orange juice, please?”
The barman then asked the rabbit: “And what can I get you?”
The rabbit replied: “I have no idea—I’m only here because of a typographical error.”
Thought I'd share a subtler kind of joke this time.